*And you might find this post is disturbing and irritating, my advice: DONT READ*
These days, I mean these few weeks I have been always putting myself into a dead end.
Kept on blaming myself for not being perfect.
Especially when I am facing hardship.
Especially when I see people around me are doing better than me.
Most critically is when I don't have any idea what is chemistry all about! F**K!
And then my mind start jumping all around like
- I'm not good enough to study abroad, academically, fine, consider in every aspects.
- I just can't talk much, talk fluently, like others people whom can do very well, blah blah blah not stop. *Do you ever seen me talk for 15 minutes non-stop?* *No, not language problem here.*
- I'm just wasting my parents money.
- I'm effing useless.
- I just cant become more girlish.
- I can't count numbers.
- I can't remember things.
- I am just a sohai person who do sohai things and make people laugh.
- I can't see future in me.
- I don't know what do to in the future.
- I just can't do things right.
- I failed to solve my own problems.
- I want to do so many things but I found that myself is just so tiny.
- I just don't look good.
- I do things according to my sense, I reject people's opinion quite often, however I didn't do that publicly.
- My design is so sucky.
- My brain is so dead.
Is like my life is so eff-ed up. I've done nothing good, nothing that can make my parents feel proud of me. Physically, academically, socially, etc. But both of my brothers does. *Not academically, of course, but still.*
Sometimes really I suffer and feel very depressed until feel like shout F**K out of my apartment room.
The society pressure keep on pushing me to the edge. Things like if you're not good in study means that you're not a good worker for your employer in the future. If you're not good in study you're failed in your life. You're not given any chances in this society if you don't have flying colours in your exam report.
You might say, ahhhh result is not everything. REALLY? Are you certain? How sure are you? Oh why then they have CEO, CFO, CCO, manager, sales, toilet cleaner this kind of hierachy? Ohhhh you might said that because your results in up to standard, but hello mine is not.
Do you know the feelings when people around you major in engineering, computer science, actuarial science, psychology? And their life is like whoa, super entertaining, clubbing, outings, like don't have to study effing hard and A's goes into their pocket. EASY!
And when they ask : " what is your major?"
Mostly they will reply with a "OH" or ask what is that, but in the end still an "OH".
But if you answer "engineering/actuarial science/etc"
Guess what they will respond?
WAH! PRO WOR! DIFFICULT SUBJECT LEH!
Notice the difference?
And when you ask them why you wanna take up engineer since you said this is so difficult?
You might find not much people say 'because I like it", more on "is easier to get a job in the future". OHHHHHH~~
You see, I struggled everyday with these thinkings. Although I've tried to ignore them but the reality seems to pull me back into this vortex. However, isn't quite true? The real world is cruel, harsh, hopeless, money-first and blah blah blah.
When you want to live in a comfort world, have a stable income, people will come ask you, "eh, buy this stock lah, can earn more money!" "eh, buy this unit lah, I confirm the price will rise in this few years!" "eh, buy a bigger house/car lah!" See, even your surroundings won't allow you to have a stable life. Keep on allure you in get the "so-called-wonderful-life, more money more good".
How about success? Everyone strive for very very very hard to reach success. But, what is success really mean? Fame? Wealth?
Right, most of the people are chasing for this.
However, lets think, if said that this world is fair and equal, so there must be some people are rich some people are poor right? Therefore is it mean like you strive very hard from poor to become rich and then eliminate rich people, turn them to poor people? Who knows?
I am effing stress these days. Uni application, INTIMA stuff, Green Knights event, might also involve in Skate club too.
Yalah yalah, some of the people even busier than me I know, they are doing more important things.
Who cares? He/she choose to do that, so do I!
Not that I want to rant, this is my place to express my feelings, the place to throw all of my stresses. I can't find any other ways else to relieve these out.
I often think that this world is messed up, hence I'm messed up too.
Go back plant veges lah.
OH WOW, I AM NOW MUCH RELIEVED!