Vision & Lost

You know sometimes when you imgine yourself doing something, you can see the "you" in that situation. Few months ago, the "me" in the imgination world still the old look, I mean, with that blue spec. Until few days ago, when I start imagine things, I shocked and trembled, since when I start using this look? The look without spec? Without any realization.

Does it mean that I already forgot the old me? Does it mean that I am now used to this look? I am afraid, I am worried to lose myself. I really hate this kind of insecure feeling, being not myself anymore.

These 8 months, whenever I look in the mirror, at the first second, most of the time I can't sure what I am looking at is real or not, feeling at the moment is just so illusionary.

I started to wear the powerless blue spec I bought in Malacca EVERYDAY, I mean, at least try to do it everyday. Just don't know why spec can really fix all these problems, eventhough a fake one. I won't/can't to poke my eyes anymore when I am trying to do the "take off spec" action, I won't have the uneasy feel that my eyes exposed to the air *I know this is a bit exagerrated but this is exactly how I feel* and etc. Also, when I am meeting with old friends I will put on spec, maybe because I think they might not used to my new look, or I just don't want to let people what I've done to my eyes, the blue think spec was my trademark.

Last year November until now, I still having the creepy feeling that I can see myself so clear when sitting in saloon, I can see the person who cutting my hair so clear. Also when Perhentian, I don't have to use goggles with power like in Redang, goggle with power of 600 still not enough. Besides goggles, sunglasses also freaks me out! OMGWTFBBQ argh, that feeling! Everything from November 2011 is just so not right, things happen with not the way I want, my mind is just like floating, can't find a stand point, couldn't get a place to stable down. All these just drive me so so frustrated!

Apart of that, night vision! Argh! I can't drive as smooth as before when night time anymore! I can't have 100% accuracy when I drive at night! One of my relatives who did this operation told me that this is a common problem, it will only back to normal after 1 or 2 year, because the wound need some time to heal. So within these period, the amount of light reflect into the eyes will not stable. WTF!

My dad asked "how do you feel after the operation?" "I don't really like it" I replied. He showed a disappointed face. Sorry dad, I really don't mean to do it, just that, 15 year of accompanion of spec just cannot disappear just like that. This transition is not easy for me to cope with, really.

I need to find myself back again, but I don't know how, completely lost direction.

I refuse change.
I reject change.
I fear change.