Thursday, December 31, 2015

Some New Year New Shit

Have been wanting to find a time to write, to talk to myself again.

I don't remember where I wrote or said this, but when one grows older, he/she will slowly become the person he/she dislike. There was a moment one day I shocked myself because I have turned so much like my mum, luckily it was just one second. Never again, lol.

Life after university honestly is not that great, at all. It's like after you got out from that place and get into this real world so to speak, and you can't see the end. I mean while in school you know you have 4 years to finish your degree, but in this 'real' world, what is the next milestone? The fact that not seeing a midpoint or an end is fucking scary.

Most of the people I know would be like they want to earn 5 digits salary, they want to go to this corner of the world, they want to buy a house, a car, get married, have kids live happily ever after then die in peaceful. Is that all? Is this all life is about? Is it not these are the reasons why I wanted to get out from Malaysia so badly, to get away from all these materialistic-driven lifestyle? If not then why I am here, what am I doing here now.

After graduation and got hired, my lifestyle has been gradually turning back to my Malaysian lifestyle, stay home, Facebook, read random, not educational articles, go out in the weekends. I stopped learning, I stopped dreaming big, I stopped being ambitious, why am I doing this.

Can't ignore how AIESEC has changed my perspective on life; every single life we touch is an impact, I do hope I made some impact though.

Another thing that makes me unhappy is that, after all those things I have done for AIESEC, I thought I will land a good job because of it, I was so confident that I will get a lot of offers and get hired instantly. However reality hit me real hard, there were times I actually broke down and thought of packing all my bags and never come back again, eventually I did not because I know if I go back to my motherland, I WILL NOT BE HAPPY. My parents will be sad to hear this but at first, when I found it hard to accept as well, why won't I love my own country? I mentioned that I did not have culture shocks when I first landed Canada, I immediately felt home. I always feel that my personality and interests are more Canadian, I always feel that I can contribute to this country, sorry Malaysia, it is not about politics, it is what my heart telling me. This feeling became more obvious the longer I left Canada, especially when I know I have very little friends back there now, those so-called best friends? They are 'busy' when I will be back, so yeah, to be honest I do not expect more as in relationship back home, I have been absent in their lives for 5 years, things have changed, people changed as well, I cannot expect them to treat me the same as 5 years ago. If there is a 5 years old child, he/she will be like 'Who the fuck are you? Are we even close?", yup, that kind of feeling.

So yeah, my Chinese New Year plan will be like, stay home, munch cookies, meeting up relatives and bond with family, and of course, give my lil bro a crash course about North America.

They said after working hour it's the time to work on yourself, I really need to get my shit altogether if not I have the feeling that I will regret and turn back to be an ordinary soon or later.

Old as shit but here are the things I want to do in 2016
1. Join Rotary
2. Read marketing and leadership books
3. Controlled eating
4. Move more
5. Reconnect old friends

Basically to have a life in the new year, have something to look forward to, something to work on, something to learn, and something to appreciate.

Ending my AIESEC experience will be fucking painful as it has been with me since I started my journey in Canada. Thank you for the amazing eye-opening experience. I shall grant you a separate post soon, lmao.

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